P
Philemon
There was a death in the family this week...
I'm about as far out on the perimeter from the deceased as you can be within the family circle, so I have had a certain detached perspective on it that has allowed me to simply observe the grieving of others without having to attend to any strong emotionality on my own part.
Tonight, at dinner, one of the closest family members said to me, "You know, you are not promised any amount of time here. I know I could end up gone in six months - or tomorrow. You have to live each day like it's your last."
Something about the way he said it reminded me of that country song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. That is to say, I found it silly - like some sort of Hallmark card cliche that appears to say something but doesn't say anything at all. The lyrics to the song are as follows for those who don't know it:
There's more lyrics to the song, but this gives you the gist. It came out in 2004 when I was just finished with college and was in the throes of a suffocating existential dread that I am grateful to be free of today. It was played ad nauseum on the radio and was the sort of song my girlfriend at the time would turn up on the radio and say, 'I love this song!"
Anyway, I was struck by a sense of futility in the idea of living each day as though it were my last. What does that mean, anyway? If I lived today like it were my last day alive, I wouldn't bother going to work. I'd probably tell my boss to go fuck himself, and I'd tell a lot of other people the same. But, if it weren't *as if* it were my last day, but was actually my last day, I'd likely feel so paralyzed by the sense of utter meaninglessness of telling people off that that I'd do nothing at all. I certainly wouldn't go "sky diving" or "rocky mountain climbing."
Thing is, you don't actually know how you'd live if you knew you were dying (unless you have been/are in that predicament). In any case, the underlying fear of *not* living like it's your last day is... what? Being an automaton only half aware of existing? If anything, the whole effort to think it through just increases my anxiety and sense of, "Oh my God, when the day comes that I know I'm dying, I'll feel like I didn't live right and regret things - I can't let that happen!" However, being in that state of mind is a terrible way to live, especially if it's your last day to be alive!
Hence, it seems there is no point in even thinking about it. We are all, after all, dying. Therefore all of us are already living like we are dying. Perhaps that's why life is so shitty for so many of us.
Maybe instead of aspiring to live like we were dying, we should aspire to live like we were living.
That seems a much better thing to aspire to.
What say you?
I'm about as far out on the perimeter from the deceased as you can be within the family circle, so I have had a certain detached perspective on it that has allowed me to simply observe the grieving of others without having to attend to any strong emotionality on my own part.
Tonight, at dinner, one of the closest family members said to me, "You know, you are not promised any amount of time here. I know I could end up gone in six months - or tomorrow. You have to live each day like it's your last."
Something about the way he said it reminded me of that country song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. That is to say, I found it silly - like some sort of Hallmark card cliche that appears to say something but doesn't say anything at all. The lyrics to the song are as follows for those who don't know it:
He said
"I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days
Looking at the x-rays
Talkin' 'bout the options
And talkin' 'bout sweet time"
I asked him
"When it sank in
That this might really be the real end
How's it hit you
When you get that kind of news?
Man, what'd you do?"
He said
"I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said
"Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying"
There's more lyrics to the song, but this gives you the gist. It came out in 2004 when I was just finished with college and was in the throes of a suffocating existential dread that I am grateful to be free of today. It was played ad nauseum on the radio and was the sort of song my girlfriend at the time would turn up on the radio and say, 'I love this song!"
Anyway, I was struck by a sense of futility in the idea of living each day as though it were my last. What does that mean, anyway? If I lived today like it were my last day alive, I wouldn't bother going to work. I'd probably tell my boss to go fuck himself, and I'd tell a lot of other people the same. But, if it weren't *as if* it were my last day, but was actually my last day, I'd likely feel so paralyzed by the sense of utter meaninglessness of telling people off that that I'd do nothing at all. I certainly wouldn't go "sky diving" or "rocky mountain climbing."
Thing is, you don't actually know how you'd live if you knew you were dying (unless you have been/are in that predicament). In any case, the underlying fear of *not* living like it's your last day is... what? Being an automaton only half aware of existing? If anything, the whole effort to think it through just increases my anxiety and sense of, "Oh my God, when the day comes that I know I'm dying, I'll feel like I didn't live right and regret things - I can't let that happen!" However, being in that state of mind is a terrible way to live, especially if it's your last day to be alive!
Hence, it seems there is no point in even thinking about it. We are all, after all, dying. Therefore all of us are already living like we are dying. Perhaps that's why life is so shitty for so many of us.
Maybe instead of aspiring to live like we were dying, we should aspire to live like we were living.
That seems a much better thing to aspire to.
What say you?