I've heard and read the horror stories of psychiatry, thank God it's going through an upheaval from the inside out. Like you I can't do Marijuana either,as I got older it had a different effect on me and took me down some rabbit holes they caused me immense panic and felt like I was losing grip of what was once real. And I felt immense guilt for things did wrong in my past that I didn't properly heal. Complete difference from when I was younger and it made me laugh smile and forget about the problems in the world. It even helped boost my concentration, but it changed when I got older and more philosophical
and
My experiences when I got older were very deep philosophical things . I'd ask my self am I real? Who or what created life, is there an after life? What if I never come down from this high and remain high till I die? intense paranoia and anxiety I wonder if I'd drop dead at any moment, feeling the sadness of the world extreme guilt and shame. I would begin rocking or stand up and pace trying to escape my own mind, my heart raced. I started thinking all my friends secretly didn't like me. How cruel the world was don't trust anyone etc. When I came down from these paranoid highs it was sweet mercy. I'd get the munchies and be alright. It was in stark contrast to my younger days smoking weed, where I was always smiling, cracking jokes, living in a flow state more concentration and not a single worry in the world. I wonder what happened was it that Marijuana was more potent? Can't say for sure, if I would smoke again but I doubt it, I'd smoke the strain that gives you a body high not a mind high.
I am very grateful that you wrote/shared these two posts. What you described is precisely what I would experience. What seems to be a slight but massively important difference, is that I took the next leap which was the last leap - into full blown psychosis. If I had to make a scale of 1 - 10 where 10 was full blown, intense psychosis, I reached that 10 level ten different times. What you are describing feels like an 8 or 9.
But you are leaving out (fortunately for you) one of the experiences I had that started at around mid level, say 5, which accompanied my "ramping up" all the way up to that 10, psychotic break. And that is the psi experiences I had. Especially the arising of truly "impossible to believe" synchronicities... but other psi experiences as well.
So you describe what I experienced with regards to the rising paranoia, the immense (yes, increidibly immense) guilt for the things I did wrong in the past, the rising sense of "cruelty" of the world and how I would be overwhelmed emotionally asking, "why, humans? why don't you get it?"
Notice in this last statement I did not include myself. So what I am revealing was that when the process would start to reach level six or seven, I would start to experience that "messianic complex" issue and so I would swing from immense personal guilt to judgement of humanity with a BIG carve out for the innocents. The innocents were folks that just didn't know the true evil of the world and just tried to live a life respectful to others. I saw myself as a "former" evil person who (once again), "saw the light" and I would begin to draw out of myself that which I believed was a "Jesus" type archetypal being of which I would begin to conclude I actually was. And so, you can see, I was deeply (at the deeper sub-conscious level of my being) influenced by the Christian paradigm.
The last episode (episode 10) resulted in the most horrific stage 10 of that 1 to 10 scale where I began to hear that all too familiar "voice in my head" again. This time the voice told me I had to kill myself to "save the world." I truly almost died as I ran to a window where there were sliding panes separated in the middle by a steal bar and were wide open and... I lept out the window while grabbing the bar. My intention was to make my last statement to "God" and the universe before releasing my grip. Interestingly, as I clung to the rail, there just happened to be a ledge about 3 inches wide that extended from the building... something I never consciousely noticed before. My toes naturally found it and so I had enough support that bought me a second or two before my weight would have otherwise stolen this time from me.
You can just imagine the adrenaline pumping.... And so in just the flash of a second or two, the following ran through my head. The image of my three sons flashed through my mind as I remembered my promise to them that I would never kill myself. Why did I make such a promise? Because my own father had killed himself when I was 21 (he was 44). But even that thought/memory/promise was not enough to stop me - but then, this next thought flashed through my mind... I saw images of my wife, who was in Colombia at the time... I saw the horror she would experience when she learned of my death. And at that instant I cried... "the hell with you, "God," screw your world, I'm not doing this to her."
And, again, with all that adrenaline pumping, I pulled myself up, scrambled back inside the window, ran across the living room to a chair on the opposite side of the dining room table and slammed myself into this chair. And then it all dawned on me what had just happened.
The window was on the 33rd floor of a 33 story building called Edeficio La Fontana in the neighborhood, Obarrio, Ciudad de Panama (Panama City), Panama. 33 and all the accompanying symbology of 33.
Incredibly, I just now googled to see if I could find an image of the building and I found this link that shows my exact apartment (I assume on a "for sale" website) - I know it was my apartment because the sliding doors on the right were custom made by the landlord and those are the same curtains too. Also, the view elevation matches well.
https://servmorrealty.com/property/apartamento-ph-la-fontana-obarrio/?lang=en
Here's a pic of the drop -
and here was my view to the right - a view I would sit and "enjoy" every day for the 4 1/2 years I lived there -
and this next PIC is the view I gazed at day after day... the view directly in front of me -
See that arched building? I obsessed over that building every day, especially when the psychosis started to rise. Why? Because I was heavily into the Gnostic "myth" regarding the Demiurge / and his "archons" - archon - arch.
And what is that building? - The Trump Ocean Club International Hotel and Tower Panama [the accompanying article is interesting]
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/invest...ies-trump-s-name-ties-organized-crime-n821706
and the full investigation here -
https://www.globalwitness.org/en/campaigns/corruption-and-money-laundering/narco-a-lago-panama/
So when the psychosis had begun to rage (November of 2011) I was already deeply immersed in studying the Gnostic "myth" as well as studying Egyptian mythology, especially regarding Horus, Isis and Osiris. As the psychosis developed further, I found this link -
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archon_(Gnosticism)
...where I read the Ophites version of the myth who believed there were 7 chief archons (like the seven Arch Angels... coincidence?)
and this particular one, the seventh -
Horus...
And I recall that by mid-December (2011), the psychosis was really ramping up and that is when I concluded I was Horus "reincarnated." Note, I also found all sorts of stuff on the internet that compared the "Jesus myth" to the "Horus myth" which fit perfectly with my messianic complex as my most significant and "in-play" psychospiritual pathology.
I then found a reference relating to the appearance of archons as "single-cell" type beings and that is when I remembered what happened to me when I was six years old -
http://merlynagain.blogspot.com/2016/04/my-anomalous-experience-when-i-was-six.html
... and I concluded that the "amoeba shaped object" was an archon (this Horaios archon) and that the object placed in my hand was a sort of "transference of it's "being" into my body-vehicle in an attempt to take over my body - such as a soul exchange" but because, as my story states, there seemed to be an "interruption" (perhaps) in the process by my mother coming into the room, I am "me" and "it" - BOTH! The process failed to complete had been my conclusion.
So when the voice in my head began to "happen" again (it had happened in several other of my psychotic break experiences), it seemed to throw fire on all these weird thoughts I was having and because I seemed to be "led" to so much of the information I was "finding," and because the paranoia had risen so high... when the voice told me "You have to kill yourself to save the world," I was perfectly ripe and perfectly "full blown" psychotic that I tried (as I described above). Note that "the voice" had been experienced, telling me "who I was" and suggesting I must sacrifice myself to save the world
so, so many times in those last days before that final time when the voice screamed it at me - that was the moment I ran from my bedroom to the living room where I flung myself out the window, where the thought to grab the bar occurred only at that very moment I was leaping out the window.
I must add two more things -
First, how weird that Trump decided to run for the Presidency and even weirder, win? Trump... the name on the arching building in the center of my view for years? Is he under "archontic oppression"? Some may think so.
And then, as I may have mentioned here before... after all this happened and I somehow survived a second "attempt" (the voice in my head returned... this time telling me to slice my wrists, which I did, but not very successfully)... and found myself abandoning everything in Panama and fleeing to Colombia where my wife was (noting she had joined me in Panama just after the window incident - and no, I hadn't told her and yet had returned to Colombia in late January as her daughter became mysteriously ill)... And so once I left Panama, I entered into a three or so months long deep despairing depression (a true, "dark night of the soul" episode) - I then ended up flying back to Dallas (my birth home), trying to see if I could make a life for myself such that I could be with my wife again (and earn enough income to survive and support us)... and somehow, for the first time ever before, after being totally drug free for over two months (my last partaking of weed was late January, 2012) - the synchronicities started to happen again and other psi type experiences - none of which happened like this when I wasn't using marijuana
ever before. I was 54 years old at this time.
And then, on April 26, 2012 - I was on the Project Avalon Forum and came across this thread - [I will paste it once their "server" returns to a functional state... haha, the archons messing about? ok, just kidding... like Miguel and Anthony Peake were doing in their discussion of just a few weeks ago when their ZOOM internet conversation was "interrupted']. OK - here it is -
http://projectavalon.net/forum4/sho...en-Parasite-A-follow-up-interview-with-Maarit
And I followed several links in the OP which led to information that Horus-Ra was an "dark, other dimensional alien entity" entity that would utilize the implantation of messianic complex and "voice in the head" techniques aimed at its targets.
Instantly - the very moment I discovered this information, I realized that "the voice in my head" wasn't "God" after all. It was an evil other dimensional alien being! And instantly, my deep despairing depression vanished. Instantly, completely.
All true.
Spoiler - I do not hold the view today that I "believed" on that April 26, 2012... how everything has evolved since that day is a real long story, a book I will likely never write - but I felt it important to make clear here on Skeptiko that my views have changed since that day and, in fact, are still changing.
One last thing to note in this post. When the depression vanished on that April 26, 2012, I, for the first time, had the guts to share publicly the very event I spoke about that happened when I was six years old. Realizing it wasn't "God," that was the voice in my head and being free of the depression combined to give me the courage to share about that experience and here's the post I made about it that very evening - (noting at the time I thought it may have been an abduction experience).
http://projectavalon.net/forum4/showthread.php?44353-My-possible-abduction-experience