Miguel Conner, Gnosticism and the Evil Question |446|

So dark magick to me means =dark recesses of your subconscious psyche. White magick =your conscious mind. It's a very thin line, and that's why I'm warning this message board be careful with staring in to the abyss with these topics cause you can lose your mind but to each their own. Just have a strong inner conviction.
If you do shadow work do it very slowly and patiently.
Or do it as though you are doing it to yourself - and knowingly. Because you are doing it to yourself.
 
My opinion after doing incessant research and me taking psychology as a major is that mental disorders are not genetic. I believe it's when one intentionally or unintentionally accesses their subconscious psyche to quickly. Which has a host of suppression or dragons as jospeh Campbell called them that need to be slayed. The thing with many cultures is dogmatic superstition and fear based religions, so when one accesses the dark psyche or the dark web they enter it with cultural superstitions from their conditioning it can likely make them go schizophrenic. Now they are clouded with superstitions cultural imprintings of demons and what not and feel powerless and go in to psychosis.
Where as a grounded person can "swim through it" and get over it and have practical solutions cause they realize it's not real its just stuff they have to work through and they do sometimes. Remain practical remain grounded and stop going to a to z
Your reach with help is very appreciated.
Thank you.
 
I think majority of "paranormal" is the consequences of your subconscious psyche. I think 1 percent might actually be paranormal but I'm not sure.

Its complicated because so many paranormal experiences are shared by many or even dozens of people who report the same thing. But there COULD be something of a “collective” subconscious which affects or helps to create and sustain this type of phenomena. But it does at least seem that other forms of intelligence are involved in many sorts of paranormal activity. There’s also people who experience paranormal happenings who have no real prior knowledge or interest in and of the phenomenon but their experience generally falls in line with what is generally reported.

Jung postulated that maybe the UFO phenomenon, along with other phenomenon, was the result of societal collective subconscious energy.
 
Last edited:
There's also that quote by Joseph Campbell
The Mystic swims in the water the schizophrenic drowns in. I'm paraphrasing but yea be careful it's not for everyone.

I have swum in these waters since I was about 18 years old. I have suffered 10 major psychotic breaks induced by heavy use (day and night, for days upon days) of high quality marijuana. 8 of the ten times I ended up in a psychiatric facility. I was "diagnosed" as bipolar. I was placed on "anti-psychotic" drugs six or so times and taken off those drugs days, or at most, a week later as I always quickly returned to "apparent normal."

I was then put on lithium which seemed to have no effect other than at times I felt a little light headed. Since I was already "apparently normal" and, when taken off lithium, no change to that "apparent normal," even the doctors agreed I didn't need it.
I was able to convince "the shrinks" that I didn't need lithium and thus, I was always taken off lithium. This occurred maybe 5 or 6 of those times. The other times I wasn't put on anything after the anti-psychotic drugs were stopped.

Seven of my ten psychosis events occurred prior to my 29th birthday. The eighth happened when I was 31. The ninth when I was 43 and was a real long one which wrapped around 9-11.

The tenth and last one occurred when I was 54 (I am 62 now). This was the last one and I could have (should have) died. Long story (all of these events are long stories).

This was the last time I used marijuana as this last event was all and only preceded by heavy, wake and bake, all day, every day usage of high quality marijuana (a 16 month long venture that only went dark around month 15). It was during the first 14 months I did my most significant exploration of the psi phenomena, synchronicity. When the synchronicities went dark and the voice in my head "returned" (yes, I had experienced "it"/"them" before) I experienced a series of thoughts and actions that almost resulted in the death of my physical body. Miraculously I survived but entered a true "long, dark night of the soul" period of utter despair where I prayed to whatever forces would hear me that "I die." After almost thee months, a miracle occurred on April 26th, 2012 and the depression instantly vanished.

I accepted I cannot use any drugs or alcohol, especially marijuana. But this acceptance is not why I am sober today and am free of these psychotic episodes.

I am free because, after that last event, for the fist time in my life... all the psi stuff, especially the synchronicities, continued! This ongoing experience of psi, and thus, consciousness and the subsequent explorations I have undertaken to explore all this is exactly why I am no longer attracted to any sort of risk behavior along the lines of marijuana, alcohol, cocaine and a few other things like LSD and natural psychedelics... I don't need it anymore to experience this magical life.

This... mystical life. And thus, I can say I no longer risk drowning.

I do not recommend to anyone they take the stupid risks I took... yet I am grateful (from a selfish POV) that I took the risks I took. I always will regret the hell I put others, especially loved ones through.
 
Last edited:
I have swum in these waters since I was about 18 years old. I have suffered 10 major psychotic breaks induced by heavy use (day and night, for days upon days) of high quality marijuana. 8 of the ten times I ended up in a psychiatric facility. I was "diagnosed" as bipolar. I was placed on "anti-psychotic" drugs six or so times and taken off those drugs days, or at most, a week later as I always quickly returned to "apparent normal."

I was then put on lithium which seemed to have no effect other than at times I felt a little light headed. Since I was already "apparently normal" and, when taken off lithium, no change to that "apparent normal," even the doctors agreed I didn't need it.
I was able to convince "the shrinks" that I didn't need lithium and thus, I was always taken off lithium. This occurred maybe 5 or 6 of those times. The other times I wasn't put on anything after the anti-psychotic drugs were stopped.

Seven of my ten psychosis events occurred prior to my 29th birthday. The eighth happened when I was 31. The ninth when I was 43 and was a real long one which wrapped around 9-11.

The tenth and last one occurred when I was 54 (I am 62 now). This was the last one and I could have (should have) died. Long story (all of these events are long stories).

This was the last time I used marijuana as this last event was all and only preceded by heavy, wake and bake, all day, every day usage of high quality marijuana (a 16 month long venture that only went dark around month 15). It was during the first 14 months I did my most significant exploration of the psi phenomena, synchronicity. When the synchronicities went dark and the voice in my head "returned" (yes, I had experienced "it"/"them" before) I experienced a series of thoughts and actions that almost resulted in the death of my physical body. Miraculously I survived but entered a true "long, dark night of the soul" period of utter despair where I prayed to whatever forces would hear me that "I die." After almost thee months, a miracle occurred on April 26th, 2012 and the depression instantly vanished.

I accepted I cannot use any drugs or alcohol, especially marijuana. But this acceptance is not why I am sober today and am free of these psychotic episodes.

I am free because, after that last event, for the fist time in my life... all the psi stuff, especially the synchronicities, continued! This ongoing experience of psi, and thus, consciousness and the subsequent explorations I have undertaken to explore all this is exactly why I am no longer attracted to any sort of risk behavior along the lines of marijuana, alcohol, cocaine and a few other things like LSD and natural psychedelics... I don't need it anymore to experience this magical life.

This... mystical life. And thus, I can say I no longer risk drowning.

I do not recommend to anyone they take the stupid risks I took... yet I am grateful (from a selfish POV) that I took the risks I took. I always will regret the hell I put others, especially loved ones through.
I've heard and read the horror stories of psychiatry, thank God it's going through an upheaval from the inside out. Like you I can't do Marijuana either,as I got older it had a different effect on me and took me down some rabbit holes they caused me immense panic and felt like I was losing grip of what was once real. And I felt immense guilt for things did wrong in my past that I didn't properly heal. Complete difference from when I was younger and it made me laugh smile and forget about the problems in the world. It even helped boost my concentration, but it changed when I got older and more philosophical
 
The thing with magick was that there was no devil worship at all. It seemed very nature based, honoring the new full moon and nature and collectively envisioning and sending out energy to heal the earth and violence and what not. Now that I look back I think the teacher had to adapt to the students cultural conditioning, as there were Christian practitioners and other various religions. There was no devil or demon stuff, most including I didn't believe in that
 
Its complicated because so many paranormal experiences are shared by many or even dozens of people who report the same thing. But there COULD be something of a “collective” subconscious which affects or helps to create and sustain this type of phenomena. But it does at least seem that other forms of intelligence are involved in many sorts of paranormal activity. There’s also people who experience paranormal happenings who have no real prior knowledge or interest in and of the phenomenon but their experience generally falls in line with what is generally reported.

Jung postulated that maybe the UFO phenomenon, along with other phenomenon, was the result of societal collective subconscious energy.
It's possible, I wouldn't rule it out, I think someone posted a book on here about getting crowds of people to mass hallucinate?
 
Its complicated because so many paranormal experiences are shared by many or even dozens of people who report the same thing. But there COULD be something of a “collective” subconscious which affects or helps to create and sustain this type of phenomena. But it does at least seem that other forms of intelligence are involved in many sorts of paranormal activity. There’s also people who experience paranormal happenings who have no real prior knowledge or interest in and of the phenomenon but their experience generally falls in line with what is generally reported.

Jung postulated that maybe the UFO phenomenon, along with other phenomenon, was the result of societal collective subconscious energy.

and

It's possible, I wouldn't rule it out, I think someone posted a book on here about getting crowds of people to mass hallucinate?

In consideration of your two posts, I consider, as well, the posts regarding egregores from LoneShaman. Maybe a "mass hallucination" can become like an egregore (consider the story of the Montauk Monster - not to be confused with this) if the efforts/energy are concentrated enough where it's properties are, in detail, agreed to by these "masses" to such a degree that it is able to generate its own, seemingly self-contained, conscious agency to a level whereby it can appear "independent" and begin to appear to the psyche of others who have some degree of vulnerability (openness). These would be "people" who think they are independent of the phenomena and who didn't share in the mass hallucinations or mass creations of the original "self aware thought form."

That one or more "hallucinate" something may simply be an unconscious action upon "potential" where the realm that "the thing" may exist is "bridged" and that "it" enters "our realm" whereby those who share in this consensus reality may have the ability to have their own "bridge potential" open... and thus, see" or "experience" the "thing" as it appears in this consensus reality.

My point being... these "things" are all interrelated and simply aspects of possibility within consciousness. And that the property of "fundamentality of consciousness" is why it is all interrelated.

I know this post points to two things - that which may already exist (albeit in another realm or in potentiality) and that which "we" create... but I really feel like the same fundamental(s) are involved in both.
 
Last edited:
I have swum in these waters since I was about 18 years old. I have suffered 10 major psychotic breaks induced by heavy use (day and night, for days upon days) of high quality marijuana. 8 of the ten times I ended up in a psychiatric facility. I was "diagnosed" as bipolar. I was placed on "anti-psychotic" drugs six or so times and taken off those drugs days, or at most, a week later as I always quickly returned to "apparent normal."

I was then put on lithium which seemed to have no effect other than at times I felt a little light headed. Since I was already "apparently normal" and, when taken off lithium, no change to that "apparent normal," even the doctors agreed I didn't need it.
I was able to convince "the shrinks" that I didn't need lithium and thus, I was always taken off lithium. This occurred maybe 5 or 6 of those times. The other times I wasn't put on anything after the anti-psychotic drugs were stopped.

Seven of my ten psychosis events occurred prior to my 29th birthday. The eighth happened when I was 31. The ninth when I was 43 and was a real long one which wrapped around 9-11.

The tenth and last one occurred when I was 54 (I am 62 now). This was the last one and I could have (should have) died. Long story (all of these events are long stories).

This was the last time I used marijuana as this last event was all and only preceded by heavy, wake and bake, all day, every day usage of high quality marijuana (a 16 month long venture that only went dark around month 15). It was during the first 14 months I did my most significant exploration of the psi phenomena, synchronicity. When the synchronicities went dark and the voice in my head "returned" (yes, I had experienced "it"/"them" before) I experienced a series of thoughts and actions that almost resulted in the death of my physical body. Miraculously I survived but entered a true "long, dark night of the soul" period of utter despair where I prayed to whatever forces would hear me that "I die." After almost thee months, a miracle occurred on April 26th, 2012 and the depression instantly vanished.

I accepted I cannot use any drugs or alcohol, especially marijuana. But this acceptance is not why I am sober today and am free of these psychotic episodes.

I am free because, after that last event, for the fist time in my life... all the psi stuff, especially the synchronicities, continued! This ongoing experience of psi, and thus, consciousness and the subsequent explorations I have undertaken to explore all this is exactly why I am no longer attracted to any sort of risk behavior along the lines of marijuana, alcohol, cocaine and a few other things like LSD and natural psychedelics... I don't need it anymore to experience this magical life.

This... mystical life. And thus, I can say I no longer risk drowning.

I do not recommend to anyone they take the stupid risks I took... yet I am grateful (from a selfish POV) that I took the risks I took. I always will regret the hell I put others, especially loved ones through.
Can you explain why you started taking marijuana in such large amounts - were you trying to get the breakthrough that you ultimately achieved?

David
 
Can you explain why you started taking marijuana in such large amounts - were you trying to get the breakthrough that you ultimately achieved?

David

I smoked lots of weed because I liked it. I liked the way it made me feel. I was 15 when I started and within a month I was smoking it in the morning and all day long. This was in 1973 and as time went forward, the strength of marijuana increased. From my research, about 10% of weed smokers do so like I described - starting up in the morning and doing so off and on all day long day in day out. But what is important to understand is that of those who smoke marijuana, a very small percentage end up experiencing psychosis. In addition, there are plenty of examples where the onset of psychosis did not require such heavy use.

Now I will offer pure speculation. For much of my early life (up to my first psychosis - somewhere around age 18), my world view was based on materialism yet I also was very interested in things like ESP. So, what I believed and what I wanted to believe were obviously in conflict and thus I was operating under a great deal of cognitive dissonance.

So, when I would enter the heightened states as the psychosis would arise, I would experience that which I wanted to believe in - that there's such a thing as the 6th sense. But I also (automatically) conflated psi phenomena with "spirituality." You can imagine the danger in that (and we see it all the time and we discuss it a great deal on this forum). The conflation of the two and the arising of the psychosis always resulted in a manifestation of my form of psychosis symptoms where I thought I was Jesus or I thought alien.demons were chasing me or I thought Satan was trying to get me, etc. Always there was this underlying psychospiritual paradigm that, of course, was Christian based. When I would come out of the psychosis, I would also come out of the insane thinking that I was involved in some sort of spiritual war and simultaneous to that, the psi experiences decreased in number and profundity and I would find myself back in the 5 sense world, stable, safe and... after a while, very boring. And it is that boredom, I think, where I would slip back into drug/alcohol usage.

It was only the very last time that I proved to myself that it was the marijuana use that played the critical role where I eventually went psychotic. And I can say that because I only used marijuana for the twenty months prior to the psychosis. I will also add that after the last psychosis, I did a great deal of research on the subject. And because much research had begun to be done by science, the term "marijuana induced psychosis" is now an "understood / accepted" term used by doctors who are aware of the syndrome, if you will.

What has been the difference for me is that a.) after the last episode (early 2012) and after I came out of that dark night of the soul, I began to have synchronicities like I only seemed to have when I used marijuana, yet now... I didn't need to use it. Then on April 26, 2012 I read a silly post on a forum that triggered an instant release from that depression. It was truly a light switch.

Interestingly too... after I read the post I am referring to and had announced to my family my depression had vanished (to their disbelief I might add though they will tell you (today) that it indeed vanished, I was able to share publicly about an anomalous experience that happened to me when I was six years old.

A few years back I wrote it up and posted it on my blog. I believe this is relevant and so here's the link to the blog post. -
http://merlynagain.blogspot.com/2016/04/my-anomalous-experience-when-i-was-six.html
 
I smoked lots of weed because I liked it. I liked the way it made me feel. I was 15 when I started and within a month I was smoking it in the morning and all day long. This was in 1973 and as time went forward, the strength of marijuana increased. From my research, about 10% of weed smokers do so like I described - starting up in the morning and doing so off and on all day long day in day out. But what is important to understand is that of those who smoke marijuana, a very small percentage end up experiencing psychosis. In addition, there are plenty of examples where the onset of psychosis did not require such heavy use.

Now I will offer pure speculation. For much of my early life (up to my first psychosis - somewhere around age 18), my world view was based on materialism yet I also was very interested in things like ESP. So, what I believed and what I wanted to believe were obviously in conflict and thus I was operating under a great deal of cognitive dissonance.

So, when I would enter the heightened states as the psychosis would arise, I would experience that which I wanted to believe in - that there's such a thing as the 6th sense. But I also (automatically) conflated psi phenomena with "spirituality." You can imagine the danger in that (and we see it all the time and we discuss it a great deal on this forum). The conflation of the two and the arising of the psychosis always resulted in a manifestation of my form of psychosis symptoms where I thought I was Jesus or I thought alien.demons were chasing me or I thought Satan was trying to get me, etc. Always there was this underlying psychospiritual paradigm that, of course, was Christian based. When I would come out of the psychosis, I would also come out of the insane thinking that I was involved in some sort of spiritual war and simultaneous to that, the psi experiences decreased in number and profundity and I would find myself back in the 5 sense world, stable, safe and... after a while, very boring. And it is that boredom, I think, where I would slip back into drug/alcohol usage.

It was only the very last time that I proved to myself that it was the marijuana use that played the critical role where I eventually went psychotic. And I can say that because I only used marijuana for the twenty months prior to the psychosis. I will also add that after the last psychosis, I did a great deal of research on the subject. And because much research had begun to be done by science, the term "marijuana induced psychosis" is now an "understood / accepted" term used by doctors who are aware of the syndrome, if you will.

What has been the difference for me is that a.) after the last episode (early 2012) and after I came out of that dark night of the soul, I began to have synchronicities like I only seemed to have when I used marijuana, yet now... I didn't need to use it. Then on April 26, 2012 I read a silly post on a forum that triggered an instant release from that depression. It was truly a light switch.

Interestingly too... after I read the post I am referring to and had announced to my family my depression had vanished (to their disbelief I might add though they will tell you (today) that it indeed vanished, I was able to share publicly about an anomalous experience that happened to me when I was six years old.

A few years back I wrote it up and posted it on my blog. I believe this is relevant and so here's the link to the blog post. -
http://merlynagain.blogspot.com/2016/04/my-anomalous-experience-when-i-was-six.html
I agree whole heartedly that ESP is not related to spirituality I don't conflate the two
 
I smoked lots of weed because I liked it. I liked the way it made me feel. I was 15 when I started and within a month I was smoking it in the morning and all day long. This was in 1973 and as time went forward, the strength of marijuana increased. From my research, about 10% of weed smokers do so like I described - starting up in the morning and doing so off and on all day long day in day out. But what is important to understand is that of those who smoke marijuana, a very small percentage end up experiencing psychosis. In addition, there are plenty of examples where the onset of psychosis did not require such heavy use.

Now I will offer pure speculation. For much of my early life (up to my first psychosis - somewhere around age 18), my world view was based on materialism yet I also was very interested in things like ESP. So, what I believed and what I wanted to believe were obviously in conflict and thus I was operating under a great deal of cognitive dissonance.

So, when I would enter the heightened states as the psychosis would arise, I would experience that which I wanted to believe in - that there's such a thing as the 6th sense. But I also (automatically) conflated psi phenomena with "spirituality." You can imagine the danger in that (and we see it all the time and we discuss it a great deal on this forum). The conflation of the two and the arising of the psychosis always resulted in a manifestation of my form of psychosis symptoms where I thought I was Jesus or I thought alien.demons were chasing me or I thought Satan was trying to get me, etc. Always there was this underlying psychospiritual paradigm that, of course, was Christian based. When I would come out of the psychosis, I would also come out of the insane thinking that I was involved in some sort of spiritual war and simultaneous to that, the psi experiences decreased in number and profundity and I would find myself back in the 5 sense world, stable, safe and... after a while, very boring. And it is that boredom, I think, where I would slip back into drug/alcohol usage.

It was only the very last time that I proved to myself that it was the marijuana use that played the critical role where I eventually went psychotic. And I can say that because I only used marijuana for the twenty months prior to the psychosis. I will also add that after the last psychosis, I did a great deal of research on the subject. And because much research had begun to be done by science, the term "marijuana induced psychosis" is now an "understood / accepted" term used by doctors who are aware of the syndrome, if you will.

What has been the difference for me is that a.) after the last episode (early 2012) and after I came out of that dark night of the soul, I began to have synchronicities like I only seemed to have when I used marijuana, yet now... I didn't need to use it. Then on April 26, 2012 I read a silly post on a forum that triggered an instant release from that depression. It was truly a light switch.

Interestingly too... after I read the post I am referring to and had announced to my family my depression had vanished (to their disbelief I might add though they will tell you (today) that it indeed vanished, I was able to share publicly about an anomalous experience that happened to me when I was six years old.

A few years back I wrote it up and posted it on my blog. I believe this is relevant and so here's the link to the blog post. -
http://merlynagain.blogspot.com/2016/04/my-anomalous-experience-when-i-was-six.html
My experiences when I got older were very deep philosophical things . I'd ask my self am I real? Who or what created life, is there an after life? What if I never come down from this high and remain high till I die? intense paranoia and anxiety I wonder if I'd drop dead at any moment, feeling the sadness of the world extreme guilt and shame. I would begin rocking or stand up and pace trying to escape my own mind, my heart raced. I started thinking all my friends secretly didn't like me. How cruel the world was don't trust anyone etc. When I came down from these paranoid highs it was sweet mercy. I'd get the munchies and be alright. It was in stark contrast to my younger days smoking weed, where I was always smiling, cracking jokes, living in a flow state more concentration and not a single worry in the world. I wonder what happened was it that Marijuana was more potent? Can't say for sure, if I would smoke again but I doubt it, I'd smoke the strain that gives you a body high not a mind high.
 
I have swum in these waters since I was about 18 years old. I have suffered 10 major psychotic breaks induced by heavy use (day and night, for days upon days) of high quality marijuana. 8 of the ten times I ended up in a psychiatric facility. I was "diagnosed" as bipolar. I was placed on "anti-psychotic" drugs six or so times and taken off those drugs days, or at most, a week later as I always quickly returned to "apparent normal."

I was then put on lithium which seemed to have no effect other than at times I felt a little light headed. Since I was already "apparently normal" and, when taken off lithium, no change to that "apparent normal," even the doctors agreed I didn't need it.
I was able to convince "the shrinks" that I didn't need lithium and thus, I was always taken off lithium. This occurred maybe 5 or 6 of those times. The other times I wasn't put on anything after the anti-psychotic drugs were stopped.

Seven of my ten psychosis events occurred prior to my 29th birthday. The eighth happened when I was 31. The ninth when I was 43 and was a real long one which wrapped around 9-11.

The tenth and last one occurred when I was 54 (I am 62 now). This was the last one and I could have (should have) died. Long story (all of these events are long stories).

This was the last time I used marijuana as this last event was all and only preceded by heavy, wake and bake, all day, every day usage of high quality marijuana (a 16 month long venture that only went dark around month 15). It was during the first 14 months I did my most significant exploration of the psi phenomena, synchronicity. When the synchronicities went dark and the voice in my head "returned" (yes, I had experienced "it"/"them" before) I experienced a series of thoughts and actions that almost resulted in the death of my physical body. Miraculously I survived but entered a true "long, dark night of the soul" period of utter despair where I prayed to whatever forces would hear me that "I die." After almost thee months, a miracle occurred on April 26th, 2012 and the depression instantly vanished.

I accepted I cannot use any drugs or alcohol, especially marijuana. But this acceptance is not why I am sober today and am free of these psychotic episodes.

I am free because, after that last event, for the fist time in my life... all the psi stuff, especially the synchronicities, continued! This ongoing experience of psi, and thus, consciousness and the subsequent explorations I have undertaken to explore all this is exactly why I am no longer attracted to any sort of risk behavior along the lines of marijuana, alcohol, cocaine and a few other things like LSD and natural psychedelics... I don't need it anymore to experience this magical life.

This... mystical life. And thus, I can say I no longer risk drowning.

I do not recommend to anyone they take the stupid risks I took... yet I am grateful (from a selfish POV) that I took the risks I took. I always will regret the hell I put others, especially loved ones through.
Nice sharing.

...those damned regrets.
Kinda forced to proceed each moment to moment but the rope of regret strains and pulls, snarling the clean forward vision. Enough to decide to stop and just stand there still with the rope only tight enough so as you can get used to it and forget in whitewashing sort of way.
 
I smoked lots of weed because I liked it. I liked the way it made me feel. I was 15 when I started and within a month I was smoking it in the morning and all day long. This was in 1973 and as time went forward, the strength of marijuana increased. From my research, about 10% of weed smokers do so like I described - starting up in the morning and doing so off and on all day long day in day out. But what is important to understand is that of those who smoke marijuana, a very small percentage end up experiencing psychosis. In addition, there are plenty of examples where the onset of psychosis did not require such heavy use.

Now I will offer pure speculation. For much of my early life (up to my first psychosis - somewhere around age 18), my world view was based on materialism yet I also was very interested in things like ESP. So, what I believed and what I wanted to believe were obviously in conflict and thus I was operating under a great deal of cognitive dissonance.

So, when I would enter the heightened states as the psychosis would arise, I would experience that which I wanted to believe in - that there's such a thing as the 6th sense. But I also (automatically) conflated psi phenomena with "spirituality." You can imagine the danger in that (and we see it all the time and we discuss it a great deal on this forum). The conflation of the two and the arising of the psychosis always resulted in a manifestation of my form of psychosis symptoms where I thought I was Jesus or I thought alien.demons were chasing me or I thought Satan was trying to get me, etc. Always there was this underlying psychospiritual paradigm that, of course, was Christian based. When I would come out of the psychosis, I would also come out of the insane thinking that I was involved in some sort of spiritual war and simultaneous to that, the psi experiences decreased in number and profundity and I would find myself back in the 5 sense world, stable, safe and... after a while, very boring. And it is that boredom, I think, where I would slip back into drug/alcohol usage.

It was only the very last time that I proved to myself that it was the marijuana use that played the critical role where I eventually went psychotic. And I can say that because I only used marijuana for the twenty months prior to the psychosis. I will also add that after the last psychosis, I did a great deal of research on the subject. And because much research had begun to be done by science, the term "marijuana induced psychosis" is now an "understood / accepted" term used by doctors who are aware of the syndrome, if you will.

What has been the difference for me is that a.) after the last episode (early 2012) and after I came out of that dark night of the soul, I began to have synchronicities like I only seemed to have when I used marijuana, yet now... I didn't need to use it. Then on April 26, 2012 I read a silly post on a forum that triggered an instant release from that depression. It was truly a light switch.

Interestingly too... after I read the post I am referring to and had announced to my family my depression had vanished (to their disbelief I might add though they will tell you (today) that it indeed vanished, I was able to share publicly about an anomalous experience that happened to me when I was six years old.

A few years back I wrote it up and posted it on my blog. I believe this is relevant and so here's the link to the blog post. -
http://merlynagain.blogspot.com/2016/04/my-anomalous-experience-when-i-was-six.html
I have only used marijuana a very few times, and since I don't smoke, I used it in cakes, where the effect lasts longer.
I wasn't super keen on the effect, and the last time it made me vomit, but I was aware of strange other-worldly sensation for about an hour. I can well believe that it is a gateway to ψ phenomena, but I agree with you that it is potentially very dangerous.

I don't know if you want to talk about your father's suicide, but if that is OK, I wonder if he said anything before this happened to explain why he was disturbed enough to kill himself?

David
 
Last edited:
Good and Evil or Right and Wrong or Desired and Not Desired
What is your opinion how these relate?

Where one is "stuck" in right/wrong existence, and does not want to continue there (say the existence is becoming unbearable), we should see that the right/wrong issue itself needs some attention.

The first entrance into such an existence is the incident where this one decided some one or some thing or a combination of those were right or wrong (good or evil, desired or un-desired). Perhaps they or it was right just before this one contacted them and then and there, because of something within the contact moments they or it was wronged or wronged. This does NOT have to be the person's opinion - that he wronged. This is the opinion of the contacted which this person has taken on and can not resolve whose opinion should hold.
This forms some of the regret. Regret for the reaction of the other or regret for the doing an action in the contacting moments. If there is regret it is held by the part of the incident that is not resolved.

This first moment of that living is where a door closed and then disappeared.
The door disappeared and the regret space now remains. The unaccountable reaction or the unaccountable action.

Well, everyone REALLY IS non-local - meaning not limited in time or space or space-time. So the door closed not for the actual person, but for what the person was being then which now makes the person believe he can no longer be in fully desired or fully desirable form.

The door out of this incident can not return until the idea of the wrong is remedied. The idea.

The entire environment of the incident and all of that time was a section of this playing field Life.
In fact, this is exactly what the incident was then and becomes again in "now" every time it is thought of.
It was a part of a game and that game field then.
And in fact this is indeed what it is now. This is the playing field for life. The playing field is the physical universe and the physical universe is from moment to moment re-created in new form which gives the illusion of time.

Keeping that in mind, recognize there is no action possible which does not counter or work against something or someone else (by commission of an action or omission of an action).
A door closes on incidents (locking them in time - meaning being areas of regret or areas undesired) at the exact moment one assigns himself (the thing representing as himself) as being wrong or wronged or un-resolvedly so.

This would include the person who was victimized by another. This victim feels he can no longer be himself in the state of having been wronged. But funny enough, no balance of justice can completely fix this person's own decision against himself now as having been wronged. But, this person's recognizing his thing that was representing him in that incident was a game piece in this playing field then (the playing field known as life) might help him to understand the greater complexity of this game. He is his game piece then. He is his game piece now.

It is true that no one can do anything without harming something some where in some way - no matter what the effort.
So the definition of "harm" should probably be "having been undesirably altered in time". The VERY key part is the "undesirably" part. All desired things are freely coexistent with you. But some undesirable things hold up attention and therefore hold up your ability to feel freely coexistent with everything all the time.

The most important part is this desire/not-desired issue. So if you can work on this aspect rather than using the symbol "right" or "wrong" your ability to make life different at will might become much easier.

This life game allows for rules that you agree to (most of the time) but others sometime will not agree with those rules. Or break them sometime. Sometimes horribly not agree or horribly break them.
Expecting the playing field to be a perfect playing field set up only to your rules (even if generally your rules are fair and mostly agreed to by others) is really a bit much to expect.

However, if somehow you can become great enough of a person to be able to enforce your rules such that they can not be broken by another, this is indeed an option life gives you - to work at becoming that strong. Probably pretty useless to DESIRE to be weak AND have the rules be as you dictate.

To make their choice of rules stronger is the effort of all people helping victims. To strengthen their particular rules such that those rules can not be broken.
The strangest thing happens though.
To have energy to work so hard at that effort, they will need to keep in mind the idea of the rule breaker. Holding in force the idea of the rule breaker creates a field for the rule breaker. The idea of the rule breaker has in itself the field in which rule breaker exists.

The idea makes and has the field.
This is you in your process of creating game states in life's overall field.

Life itself and of itself has no game rules.
It only supplies the field. Those who are strong enough are those who create the rules.

How does one become strong (IF one wants to be a rule maker)?
The only way I know of is to claim as much responsibility as possible - WITHOUT holding on to right/wrong opinions. It should always and only be about what is and is not desired.

Your opinion would be important. Thank you.
 
I've heard and read the horror stories of psychiatry, thank God it's going through an upheaval from the inside out. Like you I can't do Marijuana either,as I got older it had a different effect on me and took me down some rabbit holes they caused me immense panic and felt like I was losing grip of what was once real. And I felt immense guilt for things did wrong in my past that I didn't properly heal. Complete difference from when I was younger and it made me laugh smile and forget about the problems in the world. It even helped boost my concentration, but it changed when I got older and more philosophical

and

My experiences when I got older were very deep philosophical things . I'd ask my self am I real? Who or what created life, is there an after life? What if I never come down from this high and remain high till I die? intense paranoia and anxiety I wonder if I'd drop dead at any moment, feeling the sadness of the world extreme guilt and shame. I would begin rocking or stand up and pace trying to escape my own mind, my heart raced. I started thinking all my friends secretly didn't like me. How cruel the world was don't trust anyone etc. When I came down from these paranoid highs it was sweet mercy. I'd get the munchies and be alright. It was in stark contrast to my younger days smoking weed, where I was always smiling, cracking jokes, living in a flow state more concentration and not a single worry in the world. I wonder what happened was it that Marijuana was more potent? Can't say for sure, if I would smoke again but I doubt it, I'd smoke the strain that gives you a body high not a mind high.

I am very grateful that you wrote/shared these two posts. What you described is precisely what I would experience. What seems to be a slight but massively important difference, is that I took the next leap which was the last leap - into full blown psychosis. If I had to make a scale of 1 - 10 where 10 was full blown, intense psychosis, I reached that 10 level ten different times. What you are describing feels like an 8 or 9.

But you are leaving out (fortunately for you) one of the experiences I had that started at around mid level, say 5, which accompanied my "ramping up" all the way up to that 10, psychotic break. And that is the psi experiences I had. Especially the arising of truly "impossible to believe" synchronicities... but other psi experiences as well.

So you describe what I experienced with regards to the rising paranoia, the immense (yes, increidibly immense) guilt for the things I did wrong in the past, the rising sense of "cruelty" of the world and how I would be overwhelmed emotionally asking, "why, humans? why don't you get it?"

Notice in this last statement I did not include myself. So what I am revealing was that when the process would start to reach level six or seven, I would start to experience that "messianic complex" issue and so I would swing from immense personal guilt to judgement of humanity with a BIG carve out for the innocents. The innocents were folks that just didn't know the true evil of the world and just tried to live a life respectful to others. I saw myself as a "former" evil person who (once again), "saw the light" and I would begin to draw out of myself that which I believed was a "Jesus" type archetypal being of which I would begin to conclude I actually was. And so, you can see, I was deeply (at the deeper sub-conscious level of my being) influenced by the Christian paradigm.

The last episode (episode 10) resulted in the most horrific stage 10 of that 1 to 10 scale where I began to hear that all too familiar "voice in my head" again. This time the voice told me I had to kill myself to "save the world." I truly almost died as I ran to a window where there were sliding panes separated in the middle by a steal bar and were wide open and... I lept out the window while grabbing the bar. My intention was to make my last statement to "God" and the universe before releasing my grip. Interestingly, as I clung to the rail, there just happened to be a ledge about 3 inches wide that extended from the building... something I never consciousely noticed before. My toes naturally found it and so I had enough support that bought me a second or two before my weight would have otherwise stolen this time from me.

You can just imagine the adrenaline pumping.... And so in just the flash of a second or two, the following ran through my head. The image of my three sons flashed through my mind as I remembered my promise to them that I would never kill myself. Why did I make such a promise? Because my own father had killed himself when I was 21 (he was 44). But even that thought/memory/promise was not enough to stop me - but then, this next thought flashed through my mind... I saw images of my wife, who was in Colombia at the time... I saw the horror she would experience when she learned of my death. And at that instant I cried... "the hell with you, "God," screw your world, I'm not doing this to her."

And, again, with all that adrenaline pumping, I pulled myself up, scrambled back inside the window, ran across the living room to a chair on the opposite side of the dining room table and slammed myself into this chair. And then it all dawned on me what had just happened.

The window was on the 33rd floor of a 33 story building called Edeficio La Fontana in the neighborhood, Obarrio, Ciudad de Panama (Panama City), Panama. 33 and all the accompanying symbology of 33.

1588169000382.png

Incredibly, I just now googled to see if I could find an image of the building and I found this link that shows my exact apartment (I assume on a "for sale" website) - I know it was my apartment because the sliding doors on the right were custom made by the landlord and those are the same curtains too. Also, the view elevation matches well.

https://servmorrealty.com/property/apartamento-ph-la-fontana-obarrio/?lang=en

1588169685368.png

Here's a pic of the drop -

1588169797244.png

and here was my view to the right - a view I would sit and "enjoy" every day for the 4 1/2 years I lived there -

1588170089495.png

and this next PIC is the view I gazed at day after day... the view directly in front of me -

1588170194667.png

See that arched building? I obsessed over that building every day, especially when the psychosis started to rise. Why? Because I was heavily into the Gnostic "myth" regarding the Demiurge / and his "archons" - archon - arch.

And what is that building? - The Trump Ocean Club International Hotel and Tower Panama [the accompanying article is interesting]
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/invest...ies-trump-s-name-ties-organized-crime-n821706

and the full investigation here -
https://www.globalwitness.org/en/campaigns/corruption-and-money-laundering/narco-a-lago-panama/

So when the psychosis had begun to rage (November of 2011) I was already deeply immersed in studying the Gnostic "myth" as well as studying Egyptian mythology, especially regarding Horus, Isis and Osiris. As the psychosis developed further, I found this link -
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archon_(Gnosticism)
...where I read the Ophites version of the myth who believed there were 7 chief archons (like the seven Arch Angels... coincidence?)
and this particular one, the seventh -
Horus...

And I recall that by mid-December (2011), the psychosis was really ramping up and that is when I concluded I was Horus "reincarnated." Note, I also found all sorts of stuff on the internet that compared the "Jesus myth" to the "Horus myth" which fit perfectly with my messianic complex as my most significant and "in-play" psychospiritual pathology.

I then found a reference relating to the appearance of archons as "single-cell" type beings and that is when I remembered what happened to me when I was six years old -
http://merlynagain.blogspot.com/2016/04/my-anomalous-experience-when-i-was-six.html

... and I concluded that the "amoeba shaped object" was an archon (this Horaios archon) and that the object placed in my hand was a sort of "transference of it's "being" into my body-vehicle in an attempt to take over my body - such as a soul exchange" but because, as my story states, there seemed to be an "interruption" (perhaps) in the process by my mother coming into the room, I am "me" and "it" - BOTH! The process failed to complete had been my conclusion.

So when the voice in my head began to "happen" again (it had happened in several other of my psychotic break experiences), it seemed to throw fire on all these weird thoughts I was having and because I seemed to be "led" to so much of the information I was "finding," and because the paranoia had risen so high... when the voice told me "You have to kill yourself to save the world," I was perfectly ripe and perfectly "full blown" psychotic that I tried (as I described above). Note that "the voice" had been experienced, telling me "who I was" and suggesting I must sacrifice myself to save the world so, so many times in those last days before that final time when the voice screamed it at me - that was the moment I ran from my bedroom to the living room where I flung myself out the window, where the thought to grab the bar occurred only at that very moment I was leaping out the window.

I must add two more things -

First, how weird that Trump decided to run for the Presidency and even weirder, win? Trump... the name on the arching building in the center of my view for years? Is he under "archontic oppression"? Some may think so.

And then, as I may have mentioned here before... after all this happened and I somehow survived a second "attempt" (the voice in my head returned... this time telling me to slice my wrists, which I did, but not very successfully)... and found myself abandoning everything in Panama and fleeing to Colombia where my wife was (noting she had joined me in Panama just after the window incident - and no, I hadn't told her and yet had returned to Colombia in late January as her daughter became mysteriously ill)... And so once I left Panama, I entered into a three or so months long deep despairing depression (a true, "dark night of the soul" episode) - I then ended up flying back to Dallas (my birth home), trying to see if I could make a life for myself such that I could be with my wife again (and earn enough income to survive and support us)... and somehow, for the first time ever before, after being totally drug free for over two months (my last partaking of weed was late January, 2012) - the synchronicities started to happen again and other psi type experiences - none of which happened like this when I wasn't using marijuana ever before. I was 54 years old at this time.

And then, on April 26, 2012 - I was on the Project Avalon Forum and came across this thread - [I will paste it once their "server" returns to a functional state... haha, the archons messing about? ok, just kidding... like Miguel and Anthony Peake were doing in their discussion of just a few weeks ago when their ZOOM internet conversation was "interrupted']. OK - here it is -
http://projectavalon.net/forum4/sho...en-Parasite-A-follow-up-interview-with-Maarit

And I followed several links in the OP which led to information that Horus-Ra was an "dark, other dimensional alien entity" entity that would utilize the implantation of messianic complex and "voice in the head" techniques aimed at its targets.

Instantly - the very moment I discovered this information, I realized that "the voice in my head" wasn't "God" after all. It was an evil other dimensional alien being! And instantly, my deep despairing depression vanished. Instantly, completely.

All true.

Spoiler - I do not hold the view today that I "believed" on that April 26, 2012... how everything has evolved since that day is a real long story, a book I will likely never write - but I felt it important to make clear here on Skeptiko that my views have changed since that day and, in fact, are still changing.

One last thing to note in this post. When the depression vanished on that April 26, 2012, I, for the first time, had the guts to share publicly the very event I spoke about that happened when I was six years old. Realizing it wasn't "God," that was the voice in my head and being free of the depression combined to give me the courage to share about that experience and here's the post I made about it that very evening - (noting at the time I thought it may have been an abduction experience).
http://projectavalon.net/forum4/showthread.php?44353-My-possible-abduction-experience
 
Last edited:
Wow interesting story, I notice lots of people have a messianic messiah complex especially new agers and occultists, never heard a voice but my own. I don't know if horus ra is an alien or not or if God is real, maybe it's just because of the cultural imprinting?
 
That's why I say don't dive to deep in to the spiritual stuff sometimes or for that matter Marijuana but to each their own
 
Back
Top