Well this series of posts of mine have been my way of trying to integrate and intellectualize something that I have had countless experiences of since a teenager and have been trying to understand for my entire life. I mean I would have these glimpses of something I only felt but could not describe. It is my kind of my life's work in a way. I have been trying to integrate this for so long with self reflection, psychedelics, meditation, all types of dabbling in esoteric and occult things as well as the right hand path religious traditions. I mean I have been looking everywhere to understand something that was directly experienced but not actually understood and ultimately remained unrealized.
Until today!
So I would like to start by apologizing for being somewhat noisy. But I have yet some more noise to share a lot as you can see, it is as much as it is for my own unpacking and my own processing as it is to share what has been the greatest light bulb moment of my life. So, well I don't know what else to do with it. So if it makes any sense that is awesome. Otherwise you can just consider it entertainment, or the warning signs of insanity if you like.
Since my mind which is somewhat obsessive compulsive, I mean, I really have to focus on paying attention to the so called "real" world. I tend to get lost with my head in the clouds or more precisely one cloud. It makes me pretty good at what I do, but it can easily derail if I don't keep things in check. As a quite typical occurrence to this I have been constantly grappling with these questions non stop, with not much sleep actually and when I did wake it has been the first thought in my mind. I really didn't know why it was presenting so strongly with me. This is my curse. I needed to really and truly understand, I know it on the surface, but something is missing. Why can't I explain it? It really bugged me. If I can't explain it. Then I don't really understand it either. What am I talking about exactly? it just sort of sounds like what has been thrown around before and it really does.
When thinking of everything that has been said on this including what is not said :)
That chain of thoughts that have been consistently circling in my head uncontrollably culminated to a surprising spontaneous satori experience in me.
Then I understood, And I mean absolutely. That gap I was trying to bridge is gone. as like everything else that gap was a illusion, a imposed mental construct, the more I tried try to answer it in any conceptual terms, the more I would bury the answer that has always been there. This was the problem and the key.
In a instant there it was, undeniable, It is so simple I could not believe how I just could not realize it truly. It actually can not be any other way, there is no way out of it. It is so perfectly obvious and is hiding in plain sight. And the implications are so profound for everything, it literally pulls the veil away. This is so huge, it is how we actually perceive the entire universe, I mean I have been thinking about this stuff for decades. But this was something else completely. It was a realization beyond any terms or anything that can be said, it is just there existing as it is.
So I can't tell you in a way that can be intellectually defined, because as soon as you do it is lost again.
Instead I will relate some impressions and similar ideas. If you really ponder these things, dig deep into these things. I think it will at least give a glimpse of what it is, by the only means, direct experience.
You just can't do it by way of concepts or language. Terms, concepts are the things between pure awareness and the self. The manufactured duality. This is the illusion that is Maya. The illusion of separateness and The illusion of a objective universe outside of awareness. Exactly like the ego we create between our minds and our true self. It is a fake.
It all kind of collapsed when all these things were running through my mind, I lost my sense of time, I lost almost everything I had defined as myself. All that was left was pure awareness, for the first time ever i was having this same experience as a result of a sort of thought experiment. WTF!
The world was instantly transformed I did not see objects I only saw differentiations of colour, I could see how my eyes gave the sense of depth, which I could recognized that it had been conditioned into my awareness as a infant. Somehow all the filters were gone, I have had ego death before but this was so different. I lost all things I had not even realized were there, and it was almost everything. It really was like being a baby again. So much of what i just took for granted was gone. So much related to the way that i projected and organized what was perceived. And it is clear when you look at what is simple raw sensory perception and what is not. The vast everything else that is not simple pure awareness is the mind doing what it does. Much absolutely essential but also unfortunately it separates us from the simple truth. The veil between the ego and the self and the vail between the self and what is perceived, which is the phenomenal reality of existence. Sorry I am going to use these words a lot.
What was apparent straight away is that there is nothing to vision beyond variations of colour, nothing more. Holy shit! It was clear that just like the ego we project absolutely everything onto what is directly perceived and the self. From this obvious and natural observation. I knew how much was actually informing what is seen. Do you see how significant just this little thing of vision is? How powerful the conditioning defines things is extremely strong. We artificially construct all things between what is and can only ever be direct experience.
So it was like seeing as baby sees the world on its first day on Earth. You see, when you look "out" there (also a construct) all you are actually perceiving are patterns of colors. Yet it is almost impossible to ignore the conditioned organization of that simple feild of colour into objects, classifications and a multitude of any other distinctions. Our brains are duality manufacturing machines!! Even if there was a out there, there are no colours as this is also illusory. The baby doesn't see a flower or a ball, it sees a patch of colour, it sees where something is and where something else isn't and nothing more, as it does with sound, touch and smell. There is only what is and can only be defined with what isn't. Everything else is a construct in between the self and what is perceived and I mean everything, just think about it. Just as we do with the ego, we do with the entirety of existence. And it is just a phony as the ego. It is not real it is actually only what we project onto it that creates the very insistent feeling of separateness and the illusion of a objective reality outside of awareness.
And really guys that is the mystery. When you really get this, I mean really get the full implications of what this means. You will have a shift in consciousness I guarantee. When you get it you will see that there is no way it can be anything other than what it is. I have been feeling it trickle into every part of my being.
I can not emphasize how this has effected me. I may mark this day as my actual birthday, when I finally awakened at the age of 51.
There is only the perceiver and what is perceived and what is perceived is defined only by what is and what it isn't. These are intrinsically entwined as a inseparable unified whole. Truly all is the self and the self is in all. Everything else is illusory or what is referred to as Maya.
In a moment I saw everything as it actually was and it is so astounding simple, it is no use even trying to even understand it by intellectualizing it. Using words because that is the root cause of the problem. It can't be done. It can only be experienced directly as pure awareness unfiltered by our logical and systematic egoic way of looking at things that evolved as a natural consequence of the need for survival. The more you seek the further it hides. Stop trying. It can only ever be experienced directly because trying otherwise is the exact reason you will not find it.
It really is like hide and seek. When you realize it, it is like you simply have found what is hiding. It is just there and undeniable. There is no reason to do anymore than that, and you really can't do anymore than that. This is also completely obvious. Things are as they should be. Stop trying and just be what you are, you cant be anything other than that.
I feel I have had a monumental breakthrough, a shift in consciousness I can keep in this appearance of duality. this is so liberating. And a nagging thing that I could never do anything with this profound experiences. There is a letting go of so much that I literally feel like I am walking on air, a enormous something I did not realize I had is gone.
So either an a awakening or I am just currently documenting the chronicles of my descent into madness. It is one or the other. Either is extreme.
So...
There is no objective outside reality beyond awareness. This is a massively unneeded leap that can never be shown as true. It is clearly evident when you remove what is between raw awareness and the self. The only thing is the perceiver and what is perceived this is the inseparable whole of existence that is the self.
It is all the self, it is not a matter of proof, you can't do it. Trying is why you fail. But there is actually nothing else it can possibly be when this is actually realized.
Consciousness is all that exits. There is only a perceiver and what is perceived. The first thought "i am". There is only what is, and what isn't. Both are intrinsic to defining the other, there is no separating them. They are two of a unified and inseparable whole. They are not two, or is non dual.
There is actually nothing beyond this nor can there be. It is all there is, and from this simplicity explodes the miraculous reality that is dancing before us.
The mystery has been in plain view, to simple to be seen. And kind of giggling I would say at our magnificent monkey brains with all of it's deeply complex theoretical constructs probing and puzzling with dualities imposed in language and concepts of things. You can't do it! because that is precisely the thing that conceals what has been in plain view the entire time but beneath the imposed dualities of language and conceptions. So you can see the futility you face, because this is the only way you could hope to solve it. But you can't it is self limiting and the reason it cannot be found. It can only be experienced. It is right there in your consciousness right now. It is just obscured by constructs, necessary and unnecessary, it is hidden as soon as language develops, and the pattern programming begins for the latest intelligent monkey to be able to make sense and survive the jungle.
I have said it before, but I never exactly new the punchline. The truth is so absurd, you are going to have laugh when the curtain closes.
Sorry for the noise and given the message, a entirely too exhaustive attempt to relate what is so exquisitely simple and so profound in scope. I am still kind of in a ecstatic and in a very excited state of mind as you can tell.
I am rambling, As i said it is as much a way for me to process it as it is my need to share. It is nothing more than that. If you can actually take anything from it, or use as a source of stimulating ideas. Then I have given more than I hoped to achieve. So I am not trying to preach or pretend to have any magical keys to heaven or enlightenment. Because again It can't be done in such a way. Believe me it is from the heart and not from a desire to be appearing as anything special I am writing so much because it is so meaningful for me and I have no idea if what I am trying to express is being delivered in a coherent way. Don't worry this feels like a wrap for me. So much less noise. It really is just spinning the wheels, good for fun but don't believe it will get you anywhere you need to go, philosophy, religion, even science. Nope it won't work. You will can only ever have a position that is between pure awareness and then self, so you can reach it by looking anywhere else except within. Try any other way and it will fail, the harder you try the more you fail. There is no other possible result. This is the clear unavoidable conclusion. There is really no destination, there is nothing to be found,, except what is right here and right now, everything you need you already have, if your looking you won't find it because you are it, and you would be just running around looking for yourself.
I am insane or I am not. A inseparable unified whole. :) I guess that dichotomy is up for grabs. :)
And I would not blame anyone for thinking so! It has certainly occurred to me. :)
Let me see if I can put this in different terms, and you tell me how close I am.
Right now, I'm imagining what it was like when I was a baby. I can see, hear, smell, taste and touch/feel myself being touched. I haven't yet learnt any language, so I have no concepts, i.e. nothing conceptual with which to try to make sense out of and/or organise what I experience. I simply experience.
I come wired, so to speak, with the intrinsic urge to bring meaning into the world. What does this sight, sound, smell, taste or touch mean? what the heck am I doing here? I try to understand, and I do that automatically, by association. When I taste my mother's milk, I associate that with the need for sustenance and the satisfaction I experience when I get it. As soon as I am able to do that, there is the beginning of fear. A vaguely experienced fear of losing that sustenance. If I don't get it, I experience hunger and automatically I cry. If I get it, I feel assuaged, may smile, and the fear is temporarily abated.
The basic human expressions and body language are also wired in. What do I do when I feel satisfied? From the perspective of someone sufficiently older than I, I exhibit the signs of satisfaction: they think "This little baby is content". OTOH, if my basic needs are unsatisfied, and I show it, they think "this little baby is not content. It's probably hungry". If I'm its mother, I have the instinctive desire to feed it myself, or if not, have the instinctive desire to see to it that it gets fed. Maybe I should go to find its mother or some other nursing woman who could feed it.
From my first-person perspective, all I experience can be summarised as feeling comfortable and satisfied, or varying degrees of discomfort and dissatisfaction, and a lot of that is associated with whether or not I get fed. There are other feelings that also need to be satisfied, such as not experiencing pain. Ever nascent and growing is the fear of experiencing dissatisfaction. This is all quite natural and in its own way good from a survival perspective. Without a modicum of fear, one is likely to end up dead in short order.
What are these sounds I hear from the person who feeds me? She cooes and croons when I'm dissatisfied, rocks me gently in her arms, and somehow that makes me feel a little better. I associate these actions with a nascent awareness of being loved.
Love and fear start to come in as soon as we're born. Right from the get-go, they condition our reactions to, and interactions with, the apparently external world. Before we were born, there was no awareness of either. There was just awareness. Everything since has been elaborated from usually non-self-reflective awareness of love and fear -- and that includes language. Maybe everything we express is the result of awareness of love on the one hand, and fear on the other. Right from the beginning,
contrast has been brought into the world. It's very hard (maybe impossible?) to express anything that doesn't, ultimately, rely on contrast. This may be the source of the conviction that duality is real.
What I get from what you say is that you've experienced a return to simple awareness, to what it was like before you were born, before you created the world as most adults experience it. At the same time, of course, you
are an adult, and so are still very familiar with how adults express themselves and behave. But so strong is the awareness of your primordial awareness, that the juxtaposition of it with ordinary adult awareness raises a kind of cognitive dissonance and you wonder if you might be going crazy.
I suppose that we're all a bit crazy in all sorts of different ways; but I suspect you aren't
seriously going crazy. I'm not experiencing what you're experiencing, but maybe I can empathise with it? I've been a baby myself and can at least imagine, if not actually remember, what it it was like and how the world I've created for myself has come to be. It's all a bit intellectualised, a bit influenced by language that may have ultimately arisen out of the embedding of contrast in the psyche, but maybe it's something like, or akin to, what you're experiencing.
I'll stop there for now and wait for what, if anything, your response might be.